Those who know me personally probably suspect it. My Instagram has made no secret of it. I’ve left it unsaid but seen. And until recently I was happy to keep it this way as I thought it to be no one else’s business. Maybe I was not ready. I am now.
Since leaving secondary school I have come been coming to terms with gender dysphoria. It was a dark time. Returning from school to a dark room, like a void in time, where I would lay with the end nowhere nearer. I had no idea why I was unhappy, just something needed to change. I planned to block most of my friends on social media. I stand by the decision. It had to be done to move on and have a new start. Leaving school hit me with the realisation. There was a whole feminine side that had been suppressed by the hypermasculine and homophobic atmosphere of school.
I think I may have come out too early. I told my mum, but found myself disgusted with the ‘freak’. I told my mum never to mention it again, pretend it didn’t happen, while I deleted all trace of it. A great purge. I would have to cope with this ‘freakishness’ for the rest of my life. The world appeared hostile, especially with Trump being elected. I couldn’t see anyone like me at home. Only on YouTube could I see that trans people existed, but they seemed so few. I was going to just deal with it. It was as easy as that.
It is not freaky. It is unhealthy to think that way. Since becoming open with myself regarding my sexuality I have had to train myself out of this thinking. My friends have supported me. It has been an exciting time in my life, as I feel myself emerge from that dark room of my younger years, and feel the wind patter on my cheeks. This emerging me, however, wrote in his journal that “No one knows. I like it that way.” I want you to know, now. I thank my friends for being so supportive to me over this year to lead me to feeling pride for the first time in my life. I have never felt so free.
I have to tell you though. It is important you know. Sexuality was one thing, identity another. Still, I wanted none of you to know, lest I suffer abuse that forces me to quit the things I love like Hockey. But I cannot ignore my dysphoria anymore. It intrudes in my dreams. It prods at my stomach when I see a cute outfit. Can not help but feel weird saying this. The urge to delete this paragraph or post is overwhelming.
I am non-binary. Or actually, if I was to be more specific, I am genderfluid. But labels are difficult as someone may fit under many. I am unsure if this will change. I am unsure whether my affinity to the male side of myself is because of androgyny or plain fear of coming out as female. There’s many reasons for the latter. Some you may be thinking of now. Sometimes I can ignore my identity problems. I can tell myself all is fine. I experience waves where it chews me from the inside, and, for this reason, I can no longer identify as male.
Going forward, I call upon my friends and family to support me. I do not want to go into repression, again. Sometimes I can ignore my identity problems. I can tell myself all is fine. I experience waves where it chews me from the inside, and, for this reason, I can no longer identify as male. Yes, you can still call me Nathan. Nath and Nathi (names which I have always been known as to those close to me) are my preferable neutral names. As for pronouns, I prefer they/them.
There is so much to talk about, which is why I have only spoken briefly on this subject. I do intend to post about this more this Pride Month, and beyond it because Pride should not be restricted to one month of the year. We’re queer all year round. This post was only meant to inform my readers, friends, and family of who I am. I hope they will support me and stick up for me when I need it. Those that don’t accept me are not worth my time, family or not. Family is chosen.